My Mom’s Response…

I got an email back from my mom today. It made me cry. She reassured me that I was not a failure and have had a lot of extreme tragedies/circumstances that have landed us where we are today.

She then explained that we will not be homeless. She will open up a bedroom for us to stay in before winter. She also told me that she wants me to come up north and visit her again because she wants to talk to me in person about “other plans”. I have no idea what she is talking about, but most likely it will be for finding storage and stuff like that.

We have an old barn on our property that has old tractors and stuff in it that belongs to my parents. We will need to figure out where all of that goes.

I am so appreciative that she doesn’t hate me and that she is willing to let us stay with her. Of course I am hoping we can figure out another way so we are not putting them out like that, even if it is only for the winter. They already have my brother, his girlfriend and her son living with them, the last thing they need is me, my husband, my two dogs and two cats. But it is nice to know they are there for us.

My fingers are crossed that my business will bring in at least some money to help afford a rent somewhere. If not I will try to find a part-time job somewhere. That will probably not be cost affective though since I will have to pay someone to come in and care for hubby. We will see. Everything happens for a reason, right?

We told our kids this weekend and we told my nieces today. My prego niece looked very sad. She grew up here and was hoping to share her home with the baby.

I looked on Craigs List today at homes for rent to see what we are looking at for prices. But a lot of them say no pets or others say credit check or renters references. How do I tell them that I haven’t rented in twenty years and my credit is screwed because we are in the middle of a foreclosure? Do I spell out our life history or move on until we find something else? And of course all of the ones even close to being in our price range are in a city with no parking and/or no lawns for the animals.

I never imagined at 39 years old that I would be going through this. Obviously I am looking in the entire state too. My kids have their own place so I don’t need to be in a certain school zone. I work from home (for now) so I don’t have to worry about that and hubby is disabled so there is nothing holding him here. A lot of stairs are issues too. Hubby can’t do a lot of them. Actually, neither can one of my dogs. UUUGGGHHHH This is such crap.

I haven’t even dared to look at the costs for storage yet. That will probably scare me. I have never had to do that before.Oh Lord please let my business take off and spare us from all of this!

Ultimately I would love to make enough to pay off this place, keep the land, build a decent house, handicap accessible, a basement and a garage and then tear this place down. I don’t think it would ever re-sell anyway. They will most likely condemn it. Way too much mold! Not to mention the falling in ceilings and rotted floors due to the leaking roof. The electrical is so messed up that I had an electrician look at it and he told us that it would be easier to just move out.

Anyway, I am done complaining. My headache was a little better today. I hope that lasts!!

I hope you all have a great night!!

Graduation Day

Hey Everyone, I am sorry that I haven’t written a whole lot this past week. We have had so much going on.

I am not sure if I have written about this before, but my father-in-law is not well. Hasn’t been for years. And every once in a while we get the call to go to the hospital to see him right away, because he won’t be alive much longer. The last time we got this call was on My son’s 18th birthday back in March, until the other day. He is back in there and on life support. We have been in every day except today, but there hasn’t been any changes. The poor guy looks awful. If he doesn’t make some improvement in the next couple of days, they say they will “pull the plug” on him. I feel so bad for him and the entire family. Everyone has been through so much for so long. Of course we all love to see him come out of his coma and begin to make progress again, but how many times can an unhealthy person do this? How many times can the family do this? Anyway, we will be back at the hospital tomorrow to see him. It seemed strange not going in today. But the entire family showed up for my sons graduation.

So many mixed emotions for this mamma today. My baby graduated!!! We have all worked so hard to get him here. I am so very proud of him. He is such a good kid, well, young man.

I may have been an emotional wreck today, but in every single picture of me I have this grin from ear to ear. As sad as I was, I couldn’t have been any prouder of my son and my entire family.

I hope you all had a great weekend, and I hope to get back to writing daily when things settle down with my husbands dad. Good night every one.

Another Day

Oh gosh, I fell asleep last night without coming in here and filling you all in on my day. I know that you are sad about it. ha ha I am though. This is very therapeutic for me to do.

Anyway, I tried to stay awake to see the Celtics playoff game and they ended up in over time. Thankfully they won, but by then I was exhausted.

I have been super busy taking on all kinds of writing jobs. Things are crazy but I am finally starting to build a small, but very helpful income. I hope it all keeps up and the income builds.

Other than that my life has been pretty normal. Everyone seems to be feeling well. My son is graduating on Sunday. I can’t even believe it.

We are still trying pull plans together for his party. The girls party was a great success and I hope his is at least comparable.

Well, I am done for now. I hope you all have a great night!!

You Are Not Even Going To Believe This

What a crazy day it has been today. I did a lot of writing this morning because I knew that I had to go pick up my nephew this afternoon. Well, of course, while doing research for my articles, I came across more sites that pay for writing. So, of course, I signed up.

I already had three more articles to write for Fiverr and now I started getting hits on the new site. I made $66.00 today with a $75.00 order pending. Really? This is nuts. What is wrong with these people? Who pays that much just to have something written? Granted, the $75.00 one is a few days worth of work, but it still isn’t anything major. I can still do everything I am now plus that.

I kind of like the variety of stuff that comes from these off the wall sites. Keeps things interesting and I am learning a lot. Of course, these sites are like all of the other ones where you have to wait almost a month to get your money. But as I see it, next month I will have a little bit of money for at least a couple of weeks so far. I hope this keeps up and picks up!

I do have a question for you all. Have any of you ever written ebooks? I saw those on-line today too and wondered about them. I never have and I didn’t look into them, but I was just curious if they were worth the time.

I am exhausted and getting ready to sign off for the night. I hope you all have a great evening!!

Feel Better About The Writing, But Awkward About Things

Thank you to everyone that has sent me such encouraging words about my writing. I will keep on doing what I seem to love and just take whatever comes my way.

Very strange things happened today directly due to that Father’s Day poem. My parents are a little different from I am when it comes to raising kids. I did not grow up hearing “I love you” or with hugs and all of that. Where as I smother my kids and husband with hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” all day long. I can’t say it or show it enough.  Over compensating? Most likely. But they will never wonder in their adult life if I loved them or not.

So today my mom and step father came home from camp (just for the night) and while I was out mowing the lawn I had three missed calls from my step father. So instead of calling him back I stopped in there on my way home from the bank (I got another check from my work today).

It was odd. My step dad seemed different. Almost awkward. I didn’t think anything of it and after visiting for a minute, I left to come back home.

Five minutes later my husband brings me the phone. It was him. And again he sounded awkward. But he said that he read my Father’s Day poem and loved it. He thanked me and told me how much he appreciated it. I was just like, oh good. I am glad you liked it! Now I was being awkward.

So then I was listening to my voice mails that he had left earlier in the day and do you all want to know what he said on there? He asked me to call him, let me know that they were home from camp for the night and then he said those words that I have NEVER heard come out of his mouth. “I Love You”. To me, on my voice-mail.

I don’t even know what to think. I mean, I know he loves me and I love him. He has raised me since I was like five or so. But this is not what we do. We don’t show affection. Me, the most loving person in the world to my kids, husband, nieces and nephews do not know how to handle this. It is weird to me.

I just started saying I love you to my mom since I have been sick I think. It has always been this way. I have my mom and Larry. Not dad or anything sentimental. I love my in-laws but I also call them by their names not mom and dad. I love them dearly, and do not mean anything by it, it is just how I was raised and how I am.

What is wrong with me? What do I do if he says it to my face? I would have to say it back and for some reason this is really weirding me out. My in-laws used to be offended when I didn’t call them mom and dad, but when I still wouldn’t, they just accepted it I guess. But that freaked me out too. They are not just words to me. I don’t throw them around like candy, I need to mean it. And that is the strangest part. I love all of them!!!

So, I am not really in a dilemma or anything. But my next few visits will be a bit awkward at the very least. Blogging is really pointing out all of my flaws. ha ha You guys all know more about my feeling than my own family. And my family already knows that I am a little “off” sometimes. lol

Well, I am done for tonight. I can’t seem to stay awake and it is only 7:30. Have a great night everyone!!

All of the Controversy

So I wrote a poem for Father’s Day as an assignment from Yahoo. It got published today and it seems to be a little controversial. I knew when I wrote it that it was a little different. But I was writing with my heart. It was for my step-dad, but people are saying that I was a little mean about my real dad.

When I read it I see the truth. And I still think that the ones that are offended are most likely the guilty ones. I hate to smother all of you with another article, but I am posting it here and if you all could just read it and let me know what you think? I have a lot of respect for your opinions. http://voices.yahoo.com/a-poem-all-step-dads-fathers-day-11384186.html

If I think about it, I would not have written it if my dad was still alive, because yes, it would have hurt his feelings and I do not like intentionally hurting anyone. But it is still true and I can’t even count how many times he had hurt me. Which doesn’t make it right. I am confused. Apparently I write my true feelings and I guess that is not always a good thing. Should I stop writing or is writing with your heart a good thing? I love it, I really do. And this poem did make my step father just glow. He was so proud. I didn’t see his face when my mom read it to him, but she described it to me. She said it was priceless.

Well, I guess I will continue on the way I am and just try to be more careful. I really don’t like controversy. Your feedback will help me a lot. You guys make me look outside of the box and that is a good thing.

I am off to bed for tonight. I hope you all sleep well.

Thunder and Lightening

This is what has been happening at my house today. Literally. Thunder storms. I love them, the lights and the sounds. A different story all together if and when we lose power.

But today has been cool enough outside that it wouldn’t be too bad without fans, but not having the internet would drive me crazy!! Our power just flashed though. Then we unplugged the internet box and the big tv just to be safe through the worse part of it.

I can hear it coming back though, so I will make this short. I am still pretty tired anyway. But one of these days I need to vent about a few things. Nothing major, just annoying and unnecessary. But that will be another day. I hope you all have a great night!!

I Am Back

I am back from camp and we had a great time. It almost felt like we were a normal family for a while there. ha ha (the story of my family life could become a very bizarre movie. I should say my extended family – parents, siblings, uncles, etc.) I will spare you all of that for another day.

But the weather was great, everyone felt pretty good and my mood stayed up!! I was still very tired but having my head actually feel good has been a bonus.

I came home to over two hundred emails!! OMG!! But I weeded through them and discovered that two more of my articles were published while I was gone and my doctor emailed me to let me know that my potassium was low and she was putting me back on potassium tablets and re-checking my levels in three weeks.Do you think that may have been sparked by a phone call from my psychiatrist? I think so.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you what happened to my son Friday night, our first night at camp.Well, as most of you know, he has multiple concussions and was just cleared on Thursday to resume normal activity as tolerated. We were in the camper making his bed up and this random bar just popped off the board that was screwed in with FOUR screws (screws went flying everywhere) and the bar snapped down and slammed him right in the back of the head. I was standing right there and could do nothing. It happened so fast. I held my breath and he just fell to the bed holding his head. I just stood there. Finally he sat up and said oh mom that really hurt. I just stared waiting to see his eyes roll into the back of his head. But they didn’t. He rubbed his head for a minute and said that it was feeling better. Thank God!!! The bar hit low enough on his head that it didn’t cause another concussion. He ended up feeling great all weekend and even took a four-wheeler ride with his uncle all the way to the Canadian border. A small headache that night, from being in the sun and possibly the vibrations of the ride, but he was fine other than that. What good news this is for all of us!!

Now my goal when I go to Jackman is to see how many moose I can find. And the past couple of years has been very grim, for me anyway. The rest of my family sees all kinds of wildlife, but I never seem to anymore. So I was very excited when we were driving home and my hubby spotted one in this marshy area and I was able to take pictures. I don’t think my camera zoomed in enough for you all to see it but it is there. ha ha

There really is a moose in this picture

The same moose

Then a half mile after we saw this one, we saw a little baby moose lying on the side of the road. It was so sad. We called 911 to let them know. The guy thought it had been reported, but he would let them know so they could go get it out of there. I know this sounds awful, but even though it wasn’t alive, I wanted to take a picture anyway. It was just a baby and I am not sure what I was thinking, but hubby said no because that was a little morbid. I agreed, I guess it was.

So anyway, I am home now and I am extremely tired. Way too much fresh air for me. just kidding. But it did wipe me out. So I hope you all have a great night.

And Again…

Once again I had a great day. My son had his appointment this morning and has been cleared to drive again and go back to school as tolerated. ha ha He is a senior getting ready to graduate in a few weeks – I don’t think he can tolerate anything. But he is still excited that he is able to.

Today was good for me too. More articles got published and I felt good – even went out to Margarita’s for dinner with my girlfriend. We had a great time. I really miss doing stuff like that!

Hubby had a very bad day today, and that makes me feel bad that I was feeling so good. But he is sleeping now and hopefully will feel better tomorrow. Camp will really stink if he can’t move. Let’s just hope he feels better.

So unless I get to jump on the laptop before we leave tomorrow then I won’t be blogging again until Monday night. I am not sure how I will be able to handle being out of the loop for that long. When I go up for two weeks I will bring it and take a drive to find service every other day or so. But not just for the weekend.

I hope you all have a great long weekend!! Stay safe!!! I will be a whole year older by the time I get back. ha ha Have a great night all!!

Good News, Better News And Great News

Let me start by saying that I love days like this!!

Good news: Yahoo! finally published my short story about my dogs!!

Better news: I am getting like a million rave reviews on it from my friends!! Like, not a million, but a whole lot more than I expected. I had never written a short story before so I am in shock right now. I am adding a link (ya ya again) to it just in case you are curious.

http://voices.yahoo.com/a-dogs-life-11375902.html?cat=44

Ok so are you all ready for the next part?

Great news: I saw my psychiatrist today (first time since my little episodes) and he looked at my records and asked me questions and said that it was NOT conversion disorder!!!!!!! Ok so it even gets better from there – he also explained to me in great detail about my having a long history of low potassium along with my issue with my blood pressure, the three days without my diuretic (and was finally taken within an hour before my first episode) and how that Tuesday was so amazing, which in turn landed me with another episode on Wednesday, then all of the muscle weakness and all of that was caused by my FLUCTUATION of POTASSIUM!!!!! My body is not regulating it naturally. Too low or too high. He was calling my doctor to “discuss” what he thinks. Either way he was pretty sure it was not conversion!!!

Ok, can you handle a little more good news from me today? While I was at the hospital getting blood work done today, I was talking to the financial/registration office and not only do I qualify for medical coverage through them (which is great, even though my doctor and my psychiatrist are not included under that umbrella) but they think that I will be eligible to get my Mainecare back.

Wait wait wait – a little more?? When I got home and checked the mail guess what was in there? First thing was a letter stating that as of May 17th I have my Mainecare back!? (confusing since my psych went into the Mainecare system today and it said I did not have it) But it was still good to see. And last but not least: There was a check in the mail with my name on it for $292.00!!!! It was from the Sate of Maine (my old job) saying that I had over paid on my dental and medical insurance at some point. Really? I haven’t paid anything in a year. Well, maybe it was from when I tried to go back to work in October, and of course only made it a few days, but that may be when it happened. Either way, I don’t care!! I went right to the bank and was going to deposit it all to pay my electric bill next week, but my daughter called and asked to borrow it so she and her boyfriend could come camping with us this weekend. And of course I want her to be there so I agreed. She gets paid next Friday and I know she will give it right back. No worries.

So what do you think? Not a bad day huh? I think I am still on cloud 9 from it all. The Celtics are playing and I haven’t even been able to concentrate on it at all.

I better call it a night. My son has an early appointment in the morning. Have a great night all!!